Alive...and Well!

First of all, thank you...thank you....thank you.....for your prayers and kind wishes. What an encouragement you all have been to me.

I am doing great. Sore for sure! But emotionally, physically, mentally, doing great. Surgery went well and all the events that were supposed to occur...did successfully.

I won't be blogging, checking email...Facebooking for a while...because it is very uncomfortable to sit at the computer. So, give me a little more healing time and I will be back to catch you all up on the gory details. You know I will, too!

A week post-op....and doing well. Thank you so much for your emails, phone calls and comments. I am not quite up to phone chats or visitors yet because it takes SO much energy to just get through a normal day right now. It's temporary....so soon I'll be up and at em'! It's an 8 week recovery....and I only have 7 left....not that I'm counting! One more week of strict bed rest and then I can be up and around a little more....even drive! Yay! Who knew I'd be so excited to drive.

Please pray for my healing as my Dad's side of the family joins us for Christmas next week. I will have 3 family members staying in my home. This year is so different. I am confined to a chair or bed.....no lifting, no bending, no moving, no walking for one more week....no doing anything except rest. Sounds great, right? UNTIL YOU HAVE TOO! I miss baking cookies, cooking meals, shopping, you know....normal holiday stuff......it's just a different year.

I am so thankful for this surgery. I feel nothing but free. After the surgery, I woke up in my room and thought..."I'm FREE!" No more bleeding! No more pain! No more peeing my pants! You'll miss that....won't you?! I am so glad to be where I am. So thankful that God provided this amazing opportunity after a really tough year that....at some points....I didn't quite see the light in.

Okay, so sorry to leave you. Miss you all. Got to get back in bed.
Thank you! Thank you God!

It's Take Away Day...

Wow. I just sighed a huge sigh of relief. I heard yours too. This thing is almost over. I am ready. Not real excited about the process and pain....but ready to get this over with. No more talking about it. No more preparing for it. No more starving myself...

I am looking forward to the surgeon taking away the parts that don't work and repairing the parts he can. Let's get this over with!! :-)

Let's start posting about other stuff....when I can type without narcotics raging through my system....and that might be a while! :-)

Cleaning Out The Pipes....

In the midst of "bowel prep" and a clear liquids diet. Just thought I'd share that with you. It's the grossest, most terrible feeling. But I am looking forward to more orange Jello and chicken broth for dinner.....the same thing I had for breakfast.....and lunch too. :-)

This is the part that hysterectomy patients don't talk about....and now...I know why!

Consider it my gift to you...Doc...

In less than 24 hours and my husband will be home. In just over 48 hours I will go into surgery. How am I feeling? I am broken out in hives from the waist down. Awesome.

I got a pedicure today. It's really a gift to my surgeon. Since I will be in stirrups for 3 hours....I figured I'd have red toes....hopefully they won't distract.

I also got my eyebrows waxed. That's just upkeep....and a gift to the general public. You are welcome.

The pedicurist probably thought the hives on my legs was a scary disease. Don't you think it's weird that she didn't ask? Do you think it's weirder that I didn't say anything?

I got so comfy during my pedicure....that after she finished and I sat in the chair reading my book for an extra 25 minutes....she asked me, "are you ready to go now or you want to stay for longer?" Um...is staying longer an option? I mean as long as you are cool with my rash and all....

Well, off to itch my legs. Can't take anything...too close to surgery......doctor's orders. That's neat.

Pray for Dr. Mourad.....my surgeon.
Pray for my anesthesiologist....don't know his name yet.
Pray that these hives go away.
Pray for Asha. A lot of change in her little life right now. She....like her mother...might have anxiety issues....MIGHT......just sayin....
Pray for good drugs and no pain.
Pray that I can do all the things I need to do to leave the hospital on time.
Pray for my husband to readjust to life at home quickly....and not suffer too badly from jet lag.
Pray for my anxiety.
Pray that they have a cocktail hour in the hospital. Okay....I know....it's strictly narcotics....not alcohol.
Pray for all those who have kindly stepped in to serve our family during my down time.
Pray that I continue to view this surgery as an opportunity for FREEDOM!

I didn't go anywhere. Just going through a particularly difficult moment. As the clock counts down...and details are finalized....I find myself just a little bit sadder.

God is asking me to trust Him in so many new ways. All the while...I hear a voice that says, "Please, just rest in Me." And the battle ensues...the flesh resists....while my soul longs for the rest.

I have spent decades "holding it all together." And now...God is asking me to let it all go. To turn it all over to Him. To come undone. It is one of the most difficult times I have gone through.

Please pray. Pray for peace. Pray for rest. Pray for total submission to the Only One who can heal my body, mind and heart. Pray for the sadness. Pray for the grieving process.

Oh, Good Grief.....

The grief over having a hysterectomy is a strange visitor. It comes and goes....both a welcome and unwelcome visitor at the same time. It never calls before coming...it simply barges in and demands my attention. Sometimes it stays away for a long time....and then.....just when I think it's gone for good.....it shows up. It comes in odd ways. Quiet sobs, panic, anxiety....even chest pains related to anxiety. I feel things very deeply......knowing this about myself.....has allowed me to give myself grace.....for times of unexpected emotions.

I keep this verse imprinted in my heart:
"When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, your consolations delight my soul." Psalm 94:19

What a comfort that verse has been to me. During my first surgery this summer, I came to learn....that the hysterectomy....would be in my future....sooner.....than later. At that time....the thought of a hysterectomy was comforting because it meant the end to being bed ridden and blood loss...or "Blood Fest 2009". However, when my Doctor finally said the words, "You are going to need a hysterectomy." I immediately felt the grief settle in. It did not hit me like a punch in the stomach, rather I felt it slowly come over me....like warmth after drinking a hot drink on a very cold day. I think that was what was most surprising about it. I expected the grief to hit me......I'd deal with it.....and move on. Yet, my grief has come in waves.

The sight of pregnant women, babies, and/or talking about pregnancy has yet to bother me. However, talking about my own pregnancy experience will get me going! I can't even give specific things that bring up my grief. It's totally random and unexpected. I expect that I would be grieving more than I am......but having Mr. Spice on a long trip.....means I have to try and have a little control over myself. So because I am pushing aside a lot of my grieving to be the strong, single parent.......I expect a lot of the grieving will come after the surgery. Don't get me wrong....I cry. And I cry a lot. That is the hormone imbalance. Grief....is different. It's deeper. Unlike the random chicken McNugget cries.....grief....has purpose.

Twelve days post-op....8 family members arrive to celebrate Christmas with us. I would imagine....cause that's just how things happen.....that the majority of my emotions....would chose that day....to unload. I can just see it now....."Merry Christmas Ya'll........(breaking into sobs) We get to celebrate the birth of our Looorrddd......oh, my gosh.....BIRTH!!!! WAAHHHHHHHHH" I think I should make the Christmas dinner toast....don't you?

Since my surgery is less than 36 hours after Mr. Spice arrives home.....I don't really have the time to cry it out right now.....plus.....I like to wait until he's around to cry. It's way better when he stares at me with a blank look on his face while I cry. Seriously, the poor guy....has NO idea what to do with a crying wife. No comfort. No nothing. Just a blank look.....and then a random question to try and change the subject. Like....I could be sobbing about something.....and he will stare at me......and then ask, "So, did you say you paid the car insurance today?" BUT....he's learning. He's getting better. And...I love him for it. I mean after all.....they don't teach classes on how to handle hormonally imbalanced wives. They should though. And...I think the City Parks and Rec Department....should offer them...

No Womb at the Inn. Literally...

:::DISCLAIMER:::
This is just me....sharing my personal experience. There is no victim in this story. This is just therapy for me....to write it out....put it in the past....and move on. I am not sharing this story for the intention of receiving pity, gifts, or meals. Well, gifts and meals will be accepted. Pity...no way. It's just the facts of what is happening....nothing more. Again, gifts....will be accepted.

:::WARNING:::
This post is a personal account of my physical body. It contains words such as...bladder, uterus, periods and maybe even afterbirth. Not really afterbirth...just wanted to throw that one in there for fun. If you think you might get queasy while reading....grab the barf bowl...and read on!

There is a great secret amongst many women out there. Well, there are probably many secrets....but one of the most unspoken secrets is hormone imbalance as related to gynecological diagnosis. Say what? I know. That is why it is a secret. It's easier to appear put together...but slightly moody....then to explain hormone imbalance and then expect people to get it....and love you past it.

My experience with hormone imbalance is like having the worst PMS.....all.....the....time. It's the only way I know how to relate it. It's totally different for each woman. For me it's a feeling of being out of control emotionally, physically and mentally times 100. I can be happy about something....and five minutes later....I will be sobbing at a McDonald's commercial featuring chicken nuggets.....and have NO idea why I am sobbing. Sounds crazy, right? It feels crazier. It is a threatening topic. How do you explain to someone why you cry at the sight of chicken McNuggets?

The past year....or 24 years....have been a physical roller coaster. One of the upside down, crazy kinds...that has tunnels and steep drops and slows down.....just before it speeds up again. It all began....just before 5th grade. I was 9. I started my period. I was a little scared. My Mom cried. Burned into my memory...is how heavy and how often it came. Doctor's said it was "normal." "Heavy, irregular periods are normal when they first begin." But it didn't end there. My body changed.....forever. I began to metabolize carbohydrates differently. My periods were very, very painful. I felt out of control emotionally. People thought I was moody. If you ask someone who knew me from elementary and Jr. high....High school, college....okay, life! I would bet you money....they would say I was moody. I was. The part that was most difficult....is that I couldn't control it. Weight began to stick to me like white on rice. I didn't have a weight problem...until I started my period. Other crazy things started to appear. Skin tags, acanthosis nigricans (google it), signs of insulin resistance, snoring, and now....high blood pressure. Separately, they are not major things. But together and when you are a kid.....they pose a social risk...more than anything. So, out of pure survival....I learned to hide...and tolerate...the pain, the symptoms...the problems.

The year 2000 began with everyone holding their breath....waiting for the world to crash. Y2K. And....my period. On 1/1/00...I began a period that would last for more than 380 days. I went to more than 6 doctors that year to try and figure out what was wrong. It was also the year that I went to Europe.....alone.....and I could do that....because I had become a professional in hiding pain, discomfort and feelings. The doctor visits are memorable....I was told everything from...."it's nothing".....to "it's in your head....you are making yourself bleed." Wow....what a gift I have. On the visit to the 7th and final doctor....with my Mom accompanying me.....we walked into his office, sat in a chair and when he asked, "Can you tell me about your situation?" I burst into tears. Tired of fighting. Tired of bleeding. Tired. My Mom explained the past year...the past several years....and he decided right then and there....that surgery was the only way to find out what is going on. Thank you God. That surgery is what brought on my diagnosis of PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and severe Endometriosis.

There is no cure for either endometriosis or PCOS. Some women take medications...many women just have surgeries every year or so to help with the symptoms. I just decided...to live with it. And so I did. Until...I noticed in 2008....things were getting worse. My moods, my symptoms, my periods.....things were changing. My Doctor did some blood tests which declared that I was in pre-menopause. A few months later....the same blood test results said I had too many hormones in my body. My body was just out of control. Around November of 2008 I began to have new symptoms. I couldn't tell if they were related to my hormone issues....or something totally different. I had more tests.....and finally in February of 2009 my gallbladder came out. Another praise to God! What a relief that was!

But my body was still acting funny...even after the gallbladder surgery. I didn't have a period from December 08....to July 09. I knew I wasn't pregnant....but I knew something was brewing. And on July 8th....2009....I finally started my period. Only there was one....slight....problem. It was a Niagara Falls of a period AND...it wouldn't stop. I am not going to give details....as much as I am DYING too! Seriously, I wish I could just gross you all out right now. But...I have to reserve my dignity and in the name of class....I will not do it. But seriously, call me or email me if you want to know the gross stuff. I'll totally tell you.

Moving on. I had emergency surgery in August because the bleeding was so severe and would not stop. A week after the surgery.....the bleeding did stop. And....one week later....it started again.....with a vengeance.

It was then decided....by a team of experts including.....me.....my Mom......and my Doctor......that a hysterectomy....was my only option.

So, on December 10th. I will be losing my uterus and cervix. I will also be having my ovaries drilled......and.....the most exciting part......my bladder repaired....and slung! The ovary drilling to shock my ovaries into normal function reducing the major amounts of testosterone surging through my system. Say goodbye to the beard, ya'll! The bladder repair? A bonus. During my labor with Asha....the ligaments that hold the bladder in place were shredded and torn. So for the last 4 1/2 years....I have literally peed my pants everyday....multiple times. All it takes is a sneeze, cough, laugh, yell, stand up, sit down.....and my bladder empties. Good times. Again....not really a subject you can get mad at me for not talking to you about. Cause...it's a major party foul topic. "Hey ya'll are so funny I just peed my pants! No. Literally. Just. Peed."

Yes, I have a lot of anxiety about my upcoming surgery. I also have a lot of joy! No more bleeding. No more peeing my pants. No more abnormal facial hair. No. More. Bleeding.

Cause really, uncontrolled bleeding.....peeing of the pants.....and a lady with a beard......nothing makes me feel more sexy and womanlike!

The best part....is the support group. I'll let you know when we crochet little uterus ornaments...I assume that would be the first group activity...

I'm Bringing Sassy Back....

So, during my blog sabbatical....a lot went on. Things that required me to take a sabbatical in the first place. However, now I'm in a place....where I need to write. It's like therapy for me. Cheap therapy where no one talks back and tells me that everything is my fault to begin with. Writing is what comes naturally to me. It's what I do best. So here I am.....writing. The difference is......the stuff I am going to write about.....is kind of weird for me to share. The writing might have a certain.....tone if you will. The tone might come across as a victim. But....that is not the intention. And...it's the very thing I am afraid about sharing my writing. I am simply sharing. Not asking for anything in return. I am just journaling.....in public......online......to the world. Totally normal. There might be little, fun, light posts about my family......but mostly.....it will be heavy, heart topics.

I might even lose some blog readers over this. And that is totally fine. Not everyone is going to be interested.....or even care. No worries. Again....just an online journal. No expectations at all.

So read on kittens. At your own risk. Missed you all...

Sabbatical......OR......I Got A New CAT-ical......

I've tried people....I really have tried to keep up with this blog...but life has me in a busy season right now. I hope...that when this busy season is over...I can resume the blog...but for now I am taking a sabbatical....and giving the blog a rest.

The biggest projects in my life right now....are just not blog-able. Hopefully, as a few more things become cemented and the busy season relaxes....I can post about them.

This break does not in any way, shape or form mean that I am unavailable in real life. Please call, email, meet me for coffee, stand outside my house taking random pictures, stalk me as I run errands....anything.

A quick update before I sign off for a while....

Asha is getting old-er. She is 4 1/2 going on 18. Her personality is larger than life. She is currently in a horse phase in which I can see no end. She loves playing and school. She loves being with Mom and Dad. She is starting her second year of preschool (Pre-K) in a few weeks and cannot WAIT until the school doors open. She is looking forward to playing soccer in a league this fall.

Mr. Spice is doing great. He bought a bicycle and has been riding rain/shine/torturous heat throughout the valley. He loves to go on bike rides with Asha. Mr. Spice cooks an amazing Indian dinner for any willing guest! Make your reservation any time. :-)

Mrs. Spice is exactly where God wants her. I am so thankful for the new projects and people that God has brought into my life. It's a busy season....but a really fun one too! More on all of that....later.

Mitchell Spice is our newest family member. He is a cat....that is true. He is a pure bred Norwegian Forest Cat that we rescued through a local animal rescue organization. We love him like crazy. He fits perfectly into our family. He is more like a dog than a cat. Come over and meet him.....he'll answer the door! No. Really. He also lets me vacuum him with the Dustbuster. He's got quite the personality.

Well, remember....this is in no way goodbye....just see you later. Until next time....

Hellloooooo Kittens, Mrs. Spice is back....

Well, that was quite the hiatus, eh? Can't a blogger take a break? Evidently not. I am still hosing down my front door from the numerous flaming bags of poo thrown at it. Not quite sure how to get rid of the smell though.

So, let's catch up. Come on in, have a seat. Look, I made fresh scones....still warm from the oven....have a one with your coffee. And for your viewing pleasure...here is a peek at just a few events in the past months with the Spice Family. Basically, here are the times I remembered to bring my camera and actually take pictures. Get cozy!

Asha attended AWANA this year with her friend Madison. She loved it! She loved having Madison in her class and did an amazing job at memorizing tons of verses! Madison is moving on up...to the kindergarten class next year so they won't be together....shhhh.....I haven't told Asha. :-) I am proud of these girls. (Don't mind the bearded guy in the background...he's safe...and background checked.)

So, Asha comes to me casually one day and in her calmest voice, says,"Mom, a helicopter landed in our front yard." As if it happens every day. WHAT? I thought she was kidding....and then I remembered who she was....the MOST LITERAL child in the world. She doesn't joke. And...so I thought I had better take a look. Sure enough....there was a helicopter in the park across the street (we call it our front yard.) I grabbed the camera and started taking pictures of it. There were a couple fire engines there too....I thought they were doing a drill. So, I said things like, "Hey, Asha stand here so I can get your picture with the helicopter" and "Asha, stick your tongue out like you are going to eat the helicopter" and "let's go see if they'll give us a ride." And then....the Sensitive Sally that I am.....realized....this was no drill. They were transporting someone from the ambulance into the helicopter. Oops. Then Asha wanted to know what was happening....so we sat down on the stoop and talked about the possibilities and then prayed for the person being transported. It was interesting to watch. Mr. Spice could hardly believe he missed all the action when he got home from work! We showed him the pictures and videos we took and Asha gave him a recap. It's not everyday you have a helicopter land in your front yard....or even the park across the street that you claim is your front yard, but don't water or mow.
Surf's up Dude! We have a new friend in our lives...Jelena. (Pronounced Yell-in-A). Jelena is a couch surfer from Switzerland. There is a new movement called....couch surfing. It is a thing where you can host your couch or surf someone else's couch.....and it's all free. Basically, you offer your couch and open your home to someone who may be passing through....or visiting your area and needs a place to crash. Jelena stayed on my Aunt Kathleen's couch in Los Angeles and then surfed our couch as she passed through Phoenix and headed up North to the Grand Canyon. Jelena is awesome! She is 25 and saved up for 2 1/2 years to spend 10 months traveling around the world. She really wants to see how other people in the world live....hence the couch surfing. She stayed with us for 24 hours.....but I begged her to stay longer! She was so nice and so much fun....and Asha thought Jelena was her own personal guest. These two were hilarious together. It was as if we had known Jelena our whole lives. What a joy! And....now we have a great place to stay in Switzerland....if we ever go! Technically, Jelena surfed an Aerobed in the guest room....our couch is not very comfortable to sleep on.....unless you are Mr. Spice and there is a football/golf/basketball/racing/cricket/soccer game on.
Asha's last day of her first year....of preschool. OR the day I wanted to crawl under a pew and cry. The day came with much anticipation.....as parents and grandparents filled the sanctuary, ready for the big event.....I chose my position.....center seat in the front pew. Mr. Spice as wel as the Spice Grandparents had to work that day.....so I was alone....and cursing their names by the end.
You know those times where you watch another kid meltdown into a train wreck and you look over to the kids parents with big....sorrowfilled eyes......and then say to yourself...."Wow...what is wrong with that kid? There must be major problems at home!" Yeah....that was what every parent was saying to me on this day. It was horrible. First of all.....Asha hates to be in a position where she is getting extra attention. She does not perform.....for anyone. For weeks ahead of time I would tell her how much I was looking forward to seeing her class sing the songs they were learning. So on the day of the performance....my kid....my sweet angel....was NOT going to conform. I believe in the picture below....where the class is doing the Pledge of Allegience.....a sacred and patriotic duty.........my sweet angel is telling her teacher that the boy to her right, RJ, the kindest, nicest boy ever.....is in her space. Clearly, the two feet of space between them.....was not enough. Of course Asha was placed center stage....so everyone could see and hear the meltdown. I can't talk anymore about it.....except to say.....that at the end.....as the group bowed their heads and folded their hands to send the class off in prayer......my child annoucned....."I don't want to pray." And....scene. Let's just say that the first few days of summer.....were tough....and not full of fun and frolic. They were sad, sad days for our sweet angel. Whose attitude has greatly improved. Thank you Lord. I haven't decided if I will be showing my face again for year two of preschool. Maybe I'll go dressed as Ellen Degeneres?

Ahhh....foster care. Okay. First let me tell you about this picture. Then I will give you the update on where we are in the journey. To be licensed to foster in Arizona you have to attend 12 weeks of classes and donate an organ. Okay, not the organ donation part....but there is a ton of work and lots of hoops to jump through. Rightly so....I mean...you are trying to prove that you can take care of kids.....better than they were being taken care of.....and then give them back. So, every Wednesday night for 12 weeks we attended class with the craziest bunch of people ever! And we absolutely fell in love with each other! So we have stuck close by and continue to get together months after classes ended. Here we all are at a park having a BBQ. The group is a mixture of foster and foster/adopt and adoptive families. It's amazing how much we all have in common already. It will definitely be a blessing to have these crazies with us during our journey of fostering.So, where exactly are we with the foster care thing? We are waiting. Waiting for a phone call from CPS. Basically, DES was forced into HUGE budget cuts by the state. Foster care monthly allowances were cut by more than $200. CPS lost over 600 staff!! So the end result is....an understaffed, underpayed system. Now, CPS is just NOT pulling that many kids because they don't have the manpower to provide case managers. So there are hundreds of empty foster homes......hundreds if not thousands of abused and neglected kids being left in unsafe environments.....and a lot of frustrated DES and CPS workers. It's a flawed system. I have a lot of experience in working with DES and CPS....and as long as I have known it and worked with it....it has been flawed. So....we wait.....and wait......and wait. Anxiously.....waiting. Trusting....that God knows when....and who will enter our home. But frankly.....the waiting is killing me.

So there you go Kittens. It's not a lot. It's not complete. It might not even be enough for you. And to that I say....Lower your freakin' standards and give me a break, will ya! No, no. What I mean to say is....I am back and you were missed.